when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
