I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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