her vagina looked like bernie madoff
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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