My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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