Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
