I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Success! We fucked roommates!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
