so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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