$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
