Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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