watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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