you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
