I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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