When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
