everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
