I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
