we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
