You can't special order awesome
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
