you told grandpa to call you daddy
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
