dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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