I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
