u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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