Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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