I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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