proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
