He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
