He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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