I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize