just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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