I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
