So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
