Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
