Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How does one acquire holy water?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
