Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
