he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
