I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
