Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
