I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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