I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
