She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
