you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
