I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
