Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
