You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Randomize
