dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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