Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
