A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
