my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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