College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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