I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
