Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
