You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
