I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
