He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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