Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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