I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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