someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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