I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
