my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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